I Would Very Much Like….

“Mummy, do you and Daddy like each other again?” Andrea’s eldest child, Maddie, asked her as they stopped outside her ex-husband’s house which was formally hers.

“That is why I’m here, sweetie. To find out,” she replied honestly.

It broke Andrea’s heart that Maddy had to ask that. She was here because she wrote her ex-husband, Jason, a letter, pleading to talk. She put everything she had into the letter. She had written it and re-written the letter several times before she was happy with it. Even then the paper was stained with her tears.

Things were so bad between her and Jason when they met to exchange the children, they had to meet at a neutral location. They communicated through a parenting app and only then about their daughters. Often a park. He only left the car to help the girls put their seatbelts on. He never spoke or even looked at her. She had to give the letter to her children to pass on. She knew if she had tried to talk to him or even give him the letter herself, he would have refused.

Andrea put her hand over her stomach to calm her butterflies. She was so nervous. This was going to be the hardest conversation of her life. She would be confessing to things that she had long denied. The truth had to be told.

The front door opened, and she saw Jason. Her heart skipped a beat. He looked happier, maybe not happy, just less sad.

“Hello, Jason,” she greeted her ex-husband hopefully as she walked to the house.

“Andrea,” he replied gruffly and businesslike. The lack of trust in his eyes was plain to see. Andrea couldn’t help but notice the flutter of curtains from the neighbour’s house. The same neighbours that helped expose her affair. When she got lazy in her attempt to hide it. They told Jason everything with photos. “You had better come in,” he told his ex-wife as his children pushed past him.

Andrea’s heart broke again. Jason had completely redecorated. It was unrecognisable from when she lived there. All those happy memories had been painted over.

“I like what you have done with the place,” she told Jason trying to smile and begin to rebuild the bridges she had burnt.

“There were too many bad memories, so I had to change it to move on,” was the brutal reply, making Andrea’s smile disappear. “Take a seat, I’ll make a cup of tea. Girls!” he called out to their daughters, “Go play in your rooms or the garden. Mummy and Daddy need to talk alone for a few minutes.”

Their daughters hurried outside.

“I love seeing them playing together,” Andrea said when Jason brought the tea. I have something for you and handed Jason a bulky envelope.

Jason took it and opened it suspiciously. His suspicion disappeared and his expression softened. A small smile appeared when he saw the photos of their daughters.

“Thank you,” he said gratefully. “So, I got your letter. What did you want to talk about?” Jason asked. The lack of emotion or feeling in his voice hurt Andrea deeply after putting so much of it in her letter.

“I wanted to say I’m sorry,” she said quietly and shamefully.

“Sorry? Sorry for what?”

“I’m sorry for all the pain and hurt I put you through when I had my affair. I’m sorry I cheated on you. You never deserved to be treated like that.”

Jason began to speak then stopped. A look of suspicion appeared from which Andrea almost cowered.

“Okay,” he replied carefully. “What has brought this on after all this time? You weren’t very sorry at the time, why are you sorry now?”

“Jason, please. I’m trying. I’m being sincere,” Andrea pleaded.

“I’m sorry your stock in sincerity isn’t very high. It’ll take more than saying sorry for me to believe you,” Jason told her sceptically. His voice dripped with distrust. “You gaslighted me, you convinced me I was crazy when the truth was in front of me. You let me lose my self-respect trying to save our marriage before you left me for that asshole!”

Andrea fought back her tears. This was harder than she ever expected. He was still angry. She hadn’t expected that.

“Give me something, Andrea,” Jason demanded when he got no answer. “Give me something for me to believe you. Our daughters are in the garden. Give me something so I can tell our daughters that Daddy likes Mummy again. Or are we wasting our time?”

Andrea’s tears she was holding back began to flow, “I’m sorry, okay! I’m sorry! I wish I never cheated on you. I broke up our family for a man who wasn’t worth it. For someone who never was and could never be who you are. I am ashamed of what I did!”

Jason looked surprised at Andrea’s outburst. Even so, he still struggled to believe his ex-wife. However, she had given him enough to listen further.

“So, how did you come to this epiphany? How did you come to realise that your ‘twin flame’, was no good,” Andrea knew Jason was making fun of her.

“After we broke up,” Andrea admitted shamefully.

To Andrea’s dismay, a satisfied smile appeared on Jason’s face, “Tell me what happened. I thought you, Simon and the girls were a happy family. I thought Simon and the girls loved each other.”

“They didn’t love each other as much as I led myself to believe.”

“Ah! So, how did you work that out, eh? Tell me what happened.”

Andrea became distraught, “After we separated, I introduced Maddie and Daisy to Simon. I was so happy. Simon was pleased to meet them, too. The four of us played together. I thought we were making the first steps, to becoming a new family. I assumed Simon would love them as much as I did.

After our divorce, he began to drift away. He stopped wanting to be in photos with us. He would volunteer to take photos, instead of posing with us. Then I noticed that Maddie and Daisy hadn’t taken to him like I thought. That was when I started to miss us as a family, you, me and the girls. Simon just didn’t seem interested. When Maddie and Daisy were with me, he complained that I spent too much time with them and not enough with him. He complained we weren’t having enough sex.

He rarely came around when Maddie and Daisy were with me. The girls didn’t miss him. I tried to pretend everything was good, but it clearly wasn’t. I found myself missing you, instead of Simon on the nights I slept alone. Our sex became less satisfying. It lost the spark it had when we were having our affair. I realised he was never as good as you. He was more selfish. I had to think of you to enjoy it.”

Jason listened intently as Andrea lamented the end of her relationship with her affair partner, “And at what point did this beautiful romance end?”

Andrea gave a pained expression, “When we were having sex, I said your name. He accused me of cheating on him with you.”

Jason broke out into a smile and began to laugh. Andrea flinched at his laughter.

“That is brilliant,” he said trying to get his laughter under control. “Talk about karma! And he had the nerve to say you cheated on him with me. Unbelievable!”

Andrea felt crushed at Jason’s enjoyment of her misfortune. On seeing her reaction he stopped himself from enjoying it for the moment.

“I take it you didn’t just come here to make me smile?” he asked her more seriously.

“I can understand why you are enjoying it, but please can you not make it so obvious?”

“Alright, let’s move on for now. Thank you for telling me. I’m sure it can’t have been easy to admit to me that you screwed up. Telling me was a nice gesture. You didn’t have to tell me, and your apology is appreciated. What did you want to talk about?”

“I want-“ Andrea paused, she knew she wasn’t in a position to make demands, so she decided to rephrase what she was going to say, “I would like it very much if we could rebuild our relationship. I don’t mean to get back together, I mean to stop hating each other for the sake of Maddie and Daisy. I would like it very much if we could communicate normally. They know things are bad between us. I hate using that parenting app. It’s humiliating. It’s not just that. I would like to send you photos of Maddie and Daisy when they are with me too and for you to send me photos when they are with you. I would very much like it if we could co-parent normally. I would very much like it if we weren’t enemies anymore. It isn’t good for Maddie and Daisy. I would very much like it if we could celebrate Maddie and Daisy’s birthdays together.”

Jason remained quiet as he listened. He understood where she was coming from. How it was between them wasn’t good for their daughters. Maddie had been asking why he and Andrea didn’t like each other. He felt horrible that she was noticing.

He nodded and replied, “I understand your point and I agree with you, but all that requires trust. I have to be able to trust and I don’t have a lot of trust in you.”

“What do you need from me for you to trust me,” Andrea asked fearfully.

“I need you to take full accountability for the end of our marriage and your affair,” Jason said sternly.

Andrea wiped away a tear, “You can have it. It is my fault that I cheated on you. My affair was what broke up our family and marriage. No other reason. I’m so sorry, Jason, for hurting you so much. I regret everything I did to you. When I look back and see what I did and how I treated you, I feel ashamed, and the worst part is I know that shame will never go away.”

“Thank you, for validating how I feel and taking responsibility,” Jason said in gratitude. “But it doesn’t explain why you had an affair.”

“Please Jason, don’t,” Andrea pleaded.

“No, Andrea!” Jason demanded, finally becoming emotional. “I need to know. I still lie awake at night renumerating our marriage. Thinking about what went wrong and why you needed to cheat. Thinking, ‘Was I to blame.’ It’s not fair that I have to keep doing that. We can’t move forward until you tell me why you had to leave me for another man.”

“I don’t know,” wailed Andrea.

“You don’t know?” Jason fumed. “So, your excuse hasn’t changed in all this time.”

“I don’t mean, ‘I don’t know,’ in that I have no idea. I mean I don’t know how to explain it. I never set out to cheat on you. Honestly, I didn’t. I suppose it started when we hit that rocky patch. We were arguing a lot. I didn’t think you were listening to me. Simon saw that I was unhappy at work and asked me what was wrong. It was nice to be listened to, so I told him. He cheered me up and made me laugh. He paid me compliments and made me feel attractive. I knew he had a thing for me.

He was the most inappropriate person to open up to. I suppose when I told him about our marriage problems, he saw it as an opportunity to make a move. I think at that time I was in love with how he made me feel so I didn’t discourage him. I allowed him to start messaging me. It felt so good. I should have stopped it because it had already gone too far but I was addicted to that feeling of someone listening to me and making me feel valued.

We had lunch together regularly. Lunch became drinks and dinner after work. By then I was lost in the affair. I was lost in the excitement and thrill of it all.

Looking back, you were trying so hard to fix our marriage, but nothing you could have done would have stopped me. I don’t think you suspected anything at that point.

We kissed one night and that was when you lost me. I had convinced myself that I was in love with him, and he was a better man than you.

The first time we had sex wasn’t when you think or when I told you. It was when I told you I had to go away for work. That was a lie. Instead, I took two days off work and spent the day and night with Simon in London. After that night, we started to talk about me leaving you.

You know the rest. I said some awful, awful things about you to Simon. I let him say some awful things about you too. None of them were true. I’m sorry for everything. I’m sorry for the lies and disrespect. I’m sorry for bringing someone else into our marriage. It was despicable. It is so hard to look inside myself and see someone so ugly who can do that. When I saw how hurt you were, I felt so guilty. So, I just tried to avoid it and buried all my guilt deep inside of me.

I would like it very much to be given the chance to try and make some amends. I know I can’t take back what I did, but I would like to try and help you heal.

Tears welled in Jason’s eyes at Andrea’s full confession. It was hard to hear, yet the feeling that he wasn’t crazy and was right all along was a huge weight off his shoulders. The relief was immense.

“Thank you,” he mumbled, his voice cracking as he tried to control himself.

“None of it was your fault,” Andrea felt relief too from her confession, as the secrets and guilt were soothed away by the truth.

“Why did you never talk to me? Why didn’t you say anything?” Jason asked.

“I should have. I didn’t tell Simon I wasn’t happy with him either, for what it’s worth. That proves the problem is with me. My therapist says I struggle to process my emotions which is why I can’t be honest with people.”

“You’re having therapy,” Jason said sounding surprised.

Andrea nodded, “After Simon left, I was in a dark place. I still am. I had to have therapy for Maddie and Daisy’s sake.”

“So, they have two screwed-up parents.”

“No, just a screwed-up mother who has made a mess of her life. You have changed since the divorce. You’ve become stronger whereas I’m still the same person. Therapy has made me realise I wasn’t a good wife. I expected you to carry the marriage. I was some immature woman who expected her husband to make her happy. My therapist says I need to be responsible for my own happiness. Please believe me, I’m trying so hard to be a better person.”

Jason just said, “Wow!” Never did he expect this from his ex-wife. When he got the letter, he just thought she was going to use her affair to extract more concessions. Never in a million years did he expect she would give him what he craved the most, a full explanation of why she had betrayed him, honesty, accountability and genuine remorse.

Jason thought deeply, “Okay, you’ve convinced me. The photos were a thoughtful peace offering. We can go forward. We can swap numbers and communicate like adults. We can celebrate Maddie’s and Daisy’s birthdays together. You’re right they would like that, and it would be nice to get photos when they are with you. Please don’t make me regret this.”

“I won’t I promise,” Andrea said with hope welling inside her.

“I do have one condition, though. If you get a new boyfriend, I want to know and to meet him before he meets Maddie and Daisy. I will need to know they will be safe with him.”

“You don’t have to worry about that. I don’t intend to date. I want to focus on Maddie and Daisy. I’ve put my needs first for too long. I need to prove to myself I am a good mother.” Andrea’s voice became quieter and more nervous, “Also, I hope, one day, we can get back together. Please don’t say anything. I know I don’t deserve you, but I need the hope that we can one day. It is the fuel that keeps me going. I miss you so much. I wake up wishing you were next to me. I get so lonely sometimes, then I start crying because I know it is my fault you’re not there.

I’m the loser from my affair, not you. You’ve changed and grown as a person. I’m still the same person I was when we were married. I’m not ready to be with you. I have so much work to do to make myself worthy of you and myself. That is why I need hope. I have nothing else.”

Jason’s resolve broke and he wiped away his tears as he saw the woman he once loved then hated, the mother of his children, hit rock bottom and express hope for something he didn’t think was possible.

“There is something else,” Andrea asked in hope more than expectation.

“What?”

“Can you hold me? I’ve been needing someone to hold me for so long and you’re the only one I can ask. There is no one else. I just want to be held.”

“Sure,” Jason agreed and opened his arm. He felt too emotionally drained to say no.

Andrea smiled weakly and moved into her ex-husband’s single-arm embrace. He felt warm and safe. She wrapped an arm around him, then the other.

Jason felt Andrea begin to shake, and then sob uncontrollably.

“I’m sorry. I am so sorry. I ruined everything. I miss you so much. I‘m so unhappy and it’s all my fault. I’m scared. I’m scared that I can’t be better. I’m scared that I can’t be a better mother. My life is a mess, and I don’t know what to do.”

Jason’s brow furrowed with concern. His other arm came around his ex-wife to hold her properly. She sounded so small and helpless. He quickly glanced outside to make sure Maddie and Daisy were still there. They couldn’t see their mother like this. He didn’t want to see her like this. It was easier when he hated her.

He held her, kissing her on the top of her head occasionally until she began to calm down.

“Thank you,” Andrea told Jason gratefully. “I’m sorry you had to deal with that. I should go. Can I wash my face before I say goodbye to the girls?”

Jason sighed deeply, “Why don’t you stay for dinner and leave when the girls go to bed?”

“Really? Are you sure?” Andrea hadn’t felt so excited for a long time.

“Yeah, the girls will love it. Think of it as a trust exercise. Go and wash your face and I will start cooking dinner.”

“Thank you, Jase,” Andrea replied using the short form of his name she used when they were married. “It is more than I deserve.”

Maddie and Daisy were ecstatic that the four of them had dinner together and their mother could kiss them goodnight. Andrea had to hold back her tears when her daughters said, “I love you, Mummy, I love you, Daddy,” in the same sentence.

“Thank you, Jase, for tonight. I had a lovely time,” Andrea smiled as she prepared to leave.

“Keep me updated on your progress,” Jason told her. “And if you need someone to talk to let me know. I don’t like seeing you like this.”

Jason unblocked her number and Andrea gave him her number again before she surprised him by kissing him on the cheek.

“Bye, Jason.”

“Bye, Andi,” calling her that made her heart leap.

Andrea went to her empty home. She sat on her sofa and began to cry with loneliness as she habitually did.