Lost Gift For Words

The marriage counsellor looked at the couple in front of her. The husband looked straight ahead. His expression was full of anger. Not at her, but straight ahead anyway. She could already see she would struggle to get anything out of him. It was obvious he didn’t want to be there. The wife in contrast was tearful. She constantly glanced at him, hoping for something from him but getting nothing. The counsellor could see that it was tearing her up inside.

Then there was how they were sitting. When the wife sat down, her husband shifted away from her, but she kept following him, so he was now pressed against the edge of the sofa they were sitting on. The wife was pressing herself against him leaving a large gap to her right, desperate for the comfort of physical contact.

It didn’t take the counsellor’s qualifications or years of experience to know that the wife had done something she regretted. She had left her marriage and wanted to return, but her husband wasn’t sure he wanted her back.

“What can I help you with?” the counsellor asked pleasantly. “What has happened in your marriage that requires marriage counselling?”

“I did something terrible,” the wife confessed glancing at her husband again. Her husband’s expression didn’t change. “I told John that I was going out with some friends when in reality I was on a date with a colleague from work.”

The counsellor’s lips pursed. Remorse. But was it genuine?

“How did John find out? Did he discover your date, or did you confess?”

“I confessed.”

“I see. What happened to make you confess?”

“I was out having dinner with Patrick,” John flinched at the name. “But when I was out with Patrick something didn’t feel right, so I left him at the restaurant and came home.”

“Were you planning to have sex with Patrick?”

“Yes,” the wife admitted guiltily.

“But you didn’t go through with it?”

“No,” there was certainty in her voice and eyes. She’s telling the truth.

“You said something didn’t feel right when you were with Patrick, what was it?”

“I don’t know. It was the way Patrick spoke to me. It wasn’t the same as John. It was cruder.”

“So, it wasn’t flattering.”

“It was, but it wasn’t the same as John. It wasn’t as clever or as beautiful.”

“Tell me about your evening with Patrick,” the counsellor purposely avoided the word, ‘date’.

“We met at the restaurant. We had a couple of drinks then we sat down for the meal. The meal was lovely. As we ate something felt wrong. Patrick’s words were flattering but not at the same level as John’s. I couldn’t put my finger on it, at first. When Patrick left the table, I read the messages he sent me. He called me beautiful, hot, sexy. It was nice to hear, especially at my age. However, they are words that make you feel good for a moment, then they are quickly forgotten. The way John spoke to me was memorable. He would compare me to a summer’s day, or as beautiful as the first spring flowers. John’s words were poetic. It made you want to keep them and read them over again. He always had such a gift for words. It is one of the things that I loved about him.”

“When you realised this, what did you do?”

“I paid for the bill and left. It was the least I could do. I led Patrick on.”

John’s expression changed for the first time as he couldn’t stop a smile from appearing, “That is so like you, Gwen. You used to always think of other people.” Gwen smiled through her tears at hearing John’s voice at last. “I wished you still thought of me,” he added spitefully which made Gwen lose heart.

“Let’s get back to your story, Gwen.” the counsellor said firmly to nip any arguments in the bud. “What happened when you left? Did Patrick try to stop you?”

Gwen shook her head, “He didn’t see me leave.”

“What happened when you got home?”

“John asked why I was back so early. I confessed to everything including the messages Patrick sent each other over the past few months. I was so full of guilt.”

“You admitted to having an emotional affair?”

“Is that what it’s called,” Gwen answered shamefully. “I tried to show John the messages, but he refused.”

“What about Patrick? Did he call you? Did he send you any messages?”

“Yes, but I didn’t reply.”

“Did you see him at work? He must have been confused. I can’t believe he would’ve let it go. He must have wanted to know why you left him in the lurch like that in the restaurant. It would have been embarrassing!”

Gwen nodded, “I told him I was sorry, but I was in love with John.”

“You told me you didn’t see him,” John hissed acidly. “You lied to me.”

The way Gwen’s shoulders slumped told the counsellor that it was true. At least this session was honest.

“I’m sorry,” Gwen whispered. “I didn’t want to hurt you.”

“How did Patrick react?”

“He was angry, of course. Some of the names he called weren’t nice.”

The counsellor decided it wasn’t helpful to ask what those names were.

“So, we are here because you want to save your marriage after you broke off your emotional affair with Patrick and decided against having sex with him, is that correct?”

“Yes,” Gwen replied, wiping the tears from her eyes.

“Before we explore why you had your affair,” the counsellor said thoughtfully, why don’t you tell John how you feel.”

Gwen turned to her husband who continued to look straight ahead, “John, I’m so sorry for what I’ve done. I love you. I love being married to you. What I did is the worst thing I’ve done in my life. It’s the stupidest thing I’ve done because it could mean losing you. You’re the best thing in my life and the thought of you not being with you in it is killing me. I love you so much. Patrick isn’t close to being you. All I want is for us to stay married and grow old together. I wish I never did it. I feel so ashamed and I am so grateful you came here with me to give us a chance,” Gwen began to sob. She reached out for John’s hand who snatched it away making Gwen sob harder.

“While Gwen composes herself, why don’t you respond John?”

“You say you love me, but someone in love isn’t tempted by the bright lights and excitement of the city when they have the warmth and comfort of home because that warmth and comfort is enough. I believe you’re sorry, but how do I know you won’t do it again? How do I know you won’t follow through and have sex with another man? Your fidelity is like Damocles’s sword over my head. I will never know if or when it will fall. I can’t live like that.” John tapped his temple, “Every happy memory I have of you, of us together is treasured in a scrapbook in my mind. Your cheating was a cup of coffee spilling over every single one of those memories and I don’t know if they can be saved or if they have been stained forever.”

The counsellor had to take a few moments to take in the poetry of John’s response. Gwen’s sobs became stifled with fear at John’s words. One dinner with another man threatened to destroy her world and everything that made her happy.

“What do you need to hear from Gwen?”

“I want to know why. Why did you want to be with another man? What did I do to deserve it? Why did you never talk to me if you were unhappy?”

“You did nothing wrong. I promise I never would have left you. It isn’t possible to have a better husband than you. The problem is me. When our daughters left home, I felt old and past it.” Gwen sighed as a heavy realisation hit her, “Patrick must have sensed it because it was around that time that he began to flirt with me. I shouldn’t have responded, but he made me feel attractive. I liked it. I should have put a stop to it immediately, but it was like a drug. I needed someone else to make me feel attractive and desired. At least I thought I did. I’m not sure I wanted to sleep with Patrick. I just wanted him to want to sleep with me. I don’t think it even had to be Patrick. It could have been with anyone.”

Gwen put her hand over her mouth and tried to control her emotions.

“That sounds awful. It is awful. It is stupid and superficial. I never thought I could be like that. I’m so sorry. I’m so sorry for being less than you.”

John looked uncomfortable at Gwen’s last comment.

“How long did it go on for?” John asked his emotions breaking through.

“Three months.”

“Did you kiss him?”

“No!” Gwen replied emphatically.

“Did you sleep with him at all?”

“No! He begged to sleep with me so many times that I gave in. We never had more than those messages, lunches and dinner that night.”

“What made you stop and think, Gwen?” the counsellor asked.

“I suppose deep down my conscience told me to,” she replied. “I don’t know I felt bad. When I read Patrick’s messages a second time, I didn’t feel the same way I did the first time. I felt empty. That special feeling wasn’t there anymore. Then I read John’s messages and got the butterflies I didn’t get from Patrick’s. John has such a wonderful gift with words. I read John’s messages from years ago and they still made me feel the same way as they did the first time I read them. It was then I realised that Patrick could never replace John.”

Gwen turned to John, “You are right, I was attracted to the bright lights and excitement of the city, but when I got there up close, I found the lights were bright but where I was on the ground it was dark and seedy. I realised my terrible mistake. But you’re wrong. Being with you isn’t the warmth and comfort of home. It is being in the happiest dream that you never want to end. That is what you do for me. I took that for granted. I’m so sorry.”

“What do you want, Gwen?” the counsellor asked.

“I want John. I want to stay married to John. I want him to send me those beautiful messages like he always has. I know we can’t go back to how we were, but I want us to build something new where I will appreciate him more. If there is anything I have learnt from all this, I need to work harder on our marriage. I need to appreciate John more because I am so lucky to be married to him. The guilt and regret I am feeling are horrible. I did this to myself and John.

“John, I’m not looking for forgiveness. I hope you will one day, but that is for you to give and not for me to ask for. I’m only looking for another chance to prove what you mean to me. I know I blew the first one. I promise, Patrick never touched me and never meant more to me than you. I am so sorry I hurt you. I will never forgive myself for what I did. I will do anything to win you back.”

“Do you believe Gwen, John?” the counsellor asked. “Do you believe she is remorseful?”

John nodded tearfully.

“Tell Gwen what she needs to do?”

“You need to cut him off,” John answered quietly.

“I already have,” Gwen replied with hope in her voice.

“I want you to leave your job,” he said more confidently.

“I’ll hand in my notice tomorrow. I’ll ask to go on gardening leave.”

John nodded, knowing Gwen would.

“I want you to tell our daughters what you did.”

“No! Please!” Gwen begged. “They’ll be angry. They dote on you. They’ll never forgive me.”

“They need to learn what happens when you are unfaithful. I want them to learn from your mistakes. I’ll make sure they won’t be too angry with you and let you make it up to them.”

“Okay,” Gwen replied despondently. “We can call them when we get home.”

“I want you to go to therapy and tell me about each session. I need to be sure you won’t be tempted again, so you have to find out why you need to feel other people find you attractive. I also want you to get over your guilt. I don’t want this to linger in our marriage.”

Gwen nodded her agreement, “I’ll do it.”

“I also want you to know that this is your last chance. Despite what you’ve done, I still love you. But love isn’t enough. I can’t have you do this again. No more lies. I need to trust you. If you don’t do what I ask or you do it again, I will have to divorce.”

“I know,” Gwen replied sadly. “I promise it will never happen again. You and our marriage are too important to me. I love you, John. Can you kiss me, please?”

John leant towards Gwen and kissed her softly.